Changeling

I'm making some changes in my life; some big, some small. One in particular feels like I have lifted a weight off my shoulders that I didn't know was heavy as it was. Another feels like it could be a step backwards, or maybe just a decision to take a break and sit down on the bench for a bit. I'm feeling brave, apprehensive, excited, and a little more peaceful. I'm a pretty hopeful person, but I'm no Timex - I'm hoping that these choices I'm making are the right ones and will put me on a path that requires less getting my ass handed to me and more contentment.

I got a root canal today and I'm a little loopy right now.

I hope the majority of the pain subsides quickly.

I hope I do/everything goes well tomorrow.

This is me being lazy honest

I am working towards not making sweeping, grandiose statements such as I will get up and work out every morning at 5am before eating steel cut oatmeal and meditating for 30 minutes. Yeah...that has yet to happen. Ever. Small goal setting is supposedly attainable, but never feels fast enough for my hurry-up and be brilliant idealism. Of course, I end up doing very little of my original ginormous planning, so I'm going nowhere fast.

I always say I dislike the gym very much. But, really, I think I just dislike the habit of getting up in the morning to go work out. No matter how much I romanticize the idea of being a morning person I think I should just face up to the fact that it is not going to happen. Working out needs to be an evening affair for me. It needs to be scheduled, preferably with other people to make me less culpable, and it needs to be full of fist-pumping, OMG-THIS-IS-MY-JAM play lists on the iPod. And, yeah, I'm not going 7 days a week. I'll shoot for going more days than I don't.

Me and Jennifer Aniston

Apart from being sickly the last two weeks, I have been approaching today: my 35th birthday. Birthdays are not usually a big deal for me. I enjoy them, hope there is not a big production made and like to get together with a few people and have a few laughs. However, there is something about this birthday that makes everyone (including myself) instantly reflect on how close I am to being 40. Not only am I 35 years old today, but guess what! I'm 5 years from 40! Whee!

I have been feeling this birthday slinking ominously towards me all year. I am acutely aware of everything I have not accomplished at this point in my life: no children, home ownership, college degree, satisfactory BMI, no world travel, no amazingness to me that I thought I would have accomplished by now.

Of course, I am working towards the things I want, but time is becoming a concern. Maybe it shouldn't be and I'm just overreacting. I've been in psychotherapy for a little over a year to deal with depression and issues stemming from childhood abuse that went on for a very long time. There are many hurdles; there always have been for me...but, I know that it could be harder/worse/more difficult.

All I know is that 40 is sitting up ahead of me with my womb, ambitions, and dreams and I'm wondering if I will have touched any of them by the time I get there.

It's been a while, Blogger...

Well, I was deeply invested in Blogger and personal publishing back in the early 2000s when Blogger was really the only weblog publishing tool and was still owned by Pyra Labs (and Twitter wasn't yet a glint in Evan's eye). I had many domains and very little success maintaining posting on a regular basis. I've stayed an avid blog-reader, but haven't felt the desire to return to my own journal-type posting until now. I thought I might go back to Typepad or Wordpress, but since Blogger and Gmail are intertwined and with the purchase of my much adored G1, I went ahead and started up again here.

Who knows where this is going...it is posting mostly for me and my love of silliness and all things internets. It could get heavy aroud here, it could be quite boring...but here I am.